The Things I Only Hoped For

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”       ~Epicurus

This is one of my favorite quotes of all time. Doesn’t it speak so much to our culture? I’m as guilty of the next person as longing and dreaming for things I don’t yet have, all while taking for granted the things I already do. There was a time in my life I felt downright miserable and sorry for myself. I was working in a job that was rather thankless and exhausting. I was in the predatory environment of the Department of Corrections, where I was constantly required to remain guarded and show no weakness or vulnerability. I worked with a population that didn’t want or appreciate my help. I seemed to have strenuous relationships with co-workers, and a supervisor whom I had little to no respect for. My husband and I had decided long ago that I would stay home with our babies when the time came. So, when we finally decided we were ready to start having children, I was so excited with the possibility of leaving my job and staying home. And I was over the moon and swooning at the idea of being a mommy. Getting pregnant was to be my ticket to joy and freedom—it was, both literally and figuratively, my way out of prison.

And then began the barrage of disappointment. I didn’t get pregnant the first month we tried, or the second, or the third. Month after month passed, leaving me with an overwhelming amount of heartache and negative pregnancy tests. Not only was I experiencing the disappointment of not yet expecting a baby, I was all the while enduring a job that I was downright burnt out on. And then something amazing happened. All at once everything changed, and yet nothing changed. I was simply confronted with the option of changing my perspective.

 

Thanks to a book club I joined, I was introduced to the book One Thousand Reasons by Ann Voskamp. She addresses the subject of gratitude, particularly in times of pain and trial. After reading the book everything was different. My life hadn’t changed at all, but my heart had. This led me to surrounding myself with reminders and challenges to be grateful, at which point I came across the Epicurus quote above. I read it and was so convicted. Not long before I was single, longing for a spouse and partner. I yearned for the companionship of marriage. I had recently completed my graduate degree in Counseling and couldn’t wait to use it. And yet, as I applied for job after job with no promising career opportunities, I became despondent, begging God to tell me why he wasn’t opening doors for me. Eventually, I was offered a counseling position that, at the time, I viewed as perfect. I was working with a population that I was passionate about helping, and found the environment of Corrections to be exciting and stimulating. I was soon married to a wonderful man who loved me and treated me better than I ever expected. He complemented me in ways I never knew to ask for. 

“Remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” Ouch. There was a time in my life when I said “If only I had a husband…” or “if only I could find a job doing what I love…” Now I had those things, but I was so consumed with what I didn’t have, I completely neglected to appreciate all that I did have. When did my husband stop being enough? Was it once I stopped recognizing the gift that he was in my life, and started taking him for granted? When did the job I once loved stop becoming a joy and an opportunity to help, and start becoming a burden that I resented? Was it once I decided there was something else I wanted more? Oh the difference that perspective makes. What a powerful asset we have in our minds and thoughts. We can change everything about how we’re feeling with just a simple adjustment in our view of it all. Epicurus also said “Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little.” May I always learn to be satisfied with the plenty and abundance that God has provided for me now, knowing that there was once a time that I only dreamed and hoped to be at the point in which I’m living.