Redeemed and Still Imprisoned

I remember the day very clearly. It was a Sunday afternoon; I had just climbed back into bed to rest, as had become my daily habit for the last several weeks. As I went to lie down I felt this guilt that prompted me to want to apologize to my husband for my laziness. I felt ashamed for my lack of productivity, and yet, every day I felt so exhausted it was all I could think to do. Just as I was forming the words to justify my sluggishness, something inside me put the brakes on that path of thinking and I found myself peeling myself back up off the bed with new resolve. I heard myself say out loud, “This is ridiculous. I can’t keep living like this. I need to do something.” Against every desire of my body I donned those dusty old workout clothes, laced up my tennis shoes, and, before I could reason with myself, found myself down on the treadmill. That was the day I began my most recent fitness journey. I had honest, noble intentions—healthy ambitions. I knew that I was not honoring the body that God gave me by continuing to make unhealthy choices, and I knew that I needed to make some changes. I wanted to have energy to keep up with my children, to care for the home God allowed me to be a steward of, and to be a loving wife to my husband.

Over the next several months I worked and I trained. I became stronger physically as well as mentally. I remember the day that I finally finished a very challenging 30 day fitness program. I took a picture and I posted it on Facebook along with a caption that included the phrase, “I’m proud of me.” I had tears in my eyes as I said those words about myself. I pushed myself to limits I didn’t know I was capable of. But, most of all I had overcame the desire to quit. I persevered when it was tough and I did it anyway, even when I didn’t want to. I was growing in character. These were good things—God-honoring things.

That is, until it wasn’t.

At some point over the next year, my ambitions became obsessions. My goals became addictions. Where it had once been a challenge to exercise, it now consumed me. Thoughts of calories and food choices filled up every spare inch of space in my brain. The healthy lifestyle changes I had made had become a banner of pride that I carried proudly. I looked down on others from my throne of self-righteousness. I craved the attention and praise that I received. Sometimes people acknowledged my hard work, other times the changes I had made physically, but it always fed the beast that was growing within me—the drive to always achieve more. No matter how much weight I lost, or how much my body transformed, it was never enough. I never felt satisfied. Every goal I reached was quickly met with a new goal that demanded more progress. My expectations were unrealistic, and the perception I had developed of my body was tainted. I couldn’t walk past a mirror without being met with self-criticism and judgment. At one point I was unable to identify even one thing that I could say I liked about my body with complete honesty. Once I had put on those lenses of criticism and negativity, every image I viewed was tainted with that mentality.

On the outside, I was achieving what had once been a healthy ambition. Inside, on the other hand, beneath the surface of health and fitness, I was living in a prison of self-hatred and misery. I had sacrificed my freedom for the complete captivity of vanity and pride. I felt like every bit of energy I had was devoted to my appearance, and I was a slave to this unstoppable drive within me to perform, achieve, and transform. As I continued to lose weight physically, I carried an ever-increasing weight on my soul that kept me from being free. If I wasn’t free to love myself, neither was I free to really love others. Then, one day, as I cried out to God, asking him to free me from this captivity, I very clearly felt him impress upon my soul these words,

“I have redeemed you for more than this.”

God was gently reminding me that he sacrificed everything for me. He paid the highest price for me. He suffered for me. And yet, what was I doing with that freedom he had bought for me? I squandered it with selfish pride and vanity. I exchanged the grace and mercy he had freely given to me for chains of judgment and self-condemnation. In addition to this, God reminded me that my freedom wasn’t for me. He softly whispered, “I have anointed you to proclaim the good news to the poor. I have sent you to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and the release from darkness for the prisoners.” While I was busy consuming myself with thoughts of me, I was distracted from the things of God’s kingdom. I had made my world so small that I stopped seeing everything around me that truly mattered. I had allowed my perspective to shift from the eternal to all things temporal and fleeting.

 Satan is crafty and cunning. He loves to take what was intended for good and pervert it. He twists what is noble and honorable until it becomes destructive and deadly. He planted a seed of pride in my mind, and I was more than happy to water and care for it until it consumed me, choking out all of the Godly intentions I started with. So, I ask you, where have you traded the truth of God for a lie? Where have you sacrificed your freedom for captivity? How might you be squandering the price that God paid for you? Because, He redeemed you for more.

Confessions of an Angry Mom

Yesterday was one of those days. The kind where you slowly find yourself losing every bit of restraint you have. You see it unraveling thread by thread and you just can’t seem to get a good enough grip to get the deterioration under control. There’s something about repeating myself 50 times in a row that really starts to boil my blood. My husband points this out to me all the time. I let it go far too long without a consequence, and then, the ugliness surfaces.

I was sitting at the table eating (I use this term loosely) lunch with my 4 and 2 year-old boys. Already we had been relegated to eating inside rather than enjoying the beautiful weather on the patio. Why, you ask? The boys decided dumping water onto the patient, long-suffering neighbor cat would be a good idea. They were banished indoors as a consequence. That was far from the first consequence or correction that had been doled out that morning. As I’m nagging my children to please finally eat their food, my oldest puts his fork under his plate and starts using it as a lever to launch his untouched hamburger into the air. I calmly ask him not to do this. He ignores me and continues. We repeat this about 6 more times. The threads of patience are quickly unraveling until I finally swoop up, grab his fork, and in a fit of rage, I slam it down onto his plate. His Veggie Straws go flying all over the table and onto the floor. I sit down in shame and defeat. My oldest laughs, trying to incite his younger brother to join him. Then I look to the 2 year-old. He looks at me with big eyes, lips pursed as though trying not to cry, and I saw fear. He says to me with voice quivering, “You threw Aaron’s beggie straws on the table. That’s naughty! You were naughty.”

I look into his eyes and I agree with him, then I drop my eyes in shame while saying I’m sorry. They quickly move on, returning to not eating their lunch and being silly. But I was stuck there for a moment. Why have I completely lost control of myself? Why can’t I remain a civilized human being and keep it together? Where is this ugliness coming from? I heard it said once that it’s not a lack of ability, it’s a lack of motivation. They said if someone were to offer you 1 million dollars to not lose your temper for a week, you’d find a way to manage yourself. And, how sadly true that is. If I had invited the neighbor inside to join us for lunch, for example, I’d be willing to bet I would not have responded that way for fear of what someone else would think.

“But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips…clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other…” Paul writes here in Colossians that we are to “rid” ourselves of these things of our earthly nature. We are to “clothe” ourselves with these more Godly attributes instead. I remember hearing Beth Moore point out once that clothing ourselves is a description that suggests an intentional act of the will, as is ridding ourselves of what is not desirable. It is a choice we must constantly make. This is true…and convicting. And yet, I’m constantly failing at it. I’m not doing it very well.

I feel like it would take an entire book to talk about all of the things that go into helping us be successful in these moments of unraveling. It’s a complex idea that is not as simple as a matter of the will. Things such as rest and self-care, for example, go a long way in moments of chaos. But here’s what God has been teaching me on this subject: More of him, less of me. He’s asking me to abide in Him. I need to remain connected to the source of love, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. As I prayed this morning I asked God to simply excise that ugly part of me if possible. But, in my experience God uses time and circumstances to develop these parts of our character. It’s a slow process of change rather than the quick, painless process I hope for.

I beat myself up for failing and not simply making the right choice in how to respond. I compare myself to other moms that are seemingly always so calm, peaceful, and tender to their children. I grieve that I’m not more like them. And yet, comparison gets us nowhere for God has designed me differently. I have bonded a lot with Simon Peter in the last couple of years. He and I are kindred souls. I often think of his impulsive and deeply passionate reactions to situations and I can relate. I have yet to cut off any ears, but perhaps that’s merely due to a lack of sword. He made some terrible decisions, that Peter. And yet, God used those very same character traits for His glory. Peter became the rock on which Christ built his church. He was strong, decisive, bold, confident, and passionate about the Lord. Those same qualities that led him astray in his flesh, became, in the Spirit, the very foundation on which the church was built. This reminds me to love myself exactly as God created me to be. Every weakness I see in myself is a strength waiting to be refined.

Earlier in the book of Colossians Paul says to “set your minds on things above, not on earthy things.” He also tells us to let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts, to be thankful, and to let the word of Christ dwell in us richly. As I cultivate relationship with the Lord, he will prune out these parts of me that don’t bring him glory. He will continue to refine me. In the moment of trial, I need to find the right motivation and skills to keep my anger in check. But I find hope in knowing that every one of these moments is an opportunity for God to teach me and to help me grow. He’s maturing me and pruning this sinful part of my heart away so I can be more fruitful. If I will just be honest and vulnerable, confessing my sin, he will use it for his glory. And, these moments of shame will be redeemed one day.

Cries of a Broken Heart

We recently took our little guy to his 1-year doctor appointment. As is standard, or so they tell me, he had a finger prick to test his lead levels. We live in a house that’s 100 years old, so we know that it’s realistic to assume he’s been exposed to lead. And, as we feared, his levels tested slightly high. They weren’t high enough to panic, but high enough that we needed to bring him back for a venous blood draw to get a more accurate level. We paraded him into the doctor office for the procedure. I knew he wasn’t going to be happy, but in my mind I was expecting something similar to getting a shot. I expected he’d be mad but then get over it and we’d walk him out of the office with a Band-Aid and be on our merry way. I was really unprepared for what it would actually be like. What I didn’t know, is that they don’t do a whole lot of venous blood draws in the office. They mentioned that they’d “try” there at the office and if it didn’t work they’d give us an order to have it done at the hospital. I suddenly wasn’t feeling so confident and at ease.

They asked me to hold him down while another nurse held his arm, and a second nurse attempted to find his vein with the needle. I watched my baby lying helplessly on the table, attempting to thrash his arms and legs in futility. Initially he was just mad about being made to lie down. But, then as they stuck him with the needle repeatedly, digging it around in his arm, the tears began to fall from his eyes and he cried his cries of sadness and pain, and probably also fear. He eventually didn’t fight much, but mostly just lay there in defeat while he cried, which broke my heart even more. As I watched the tears streaming down his cheeks and listened to his cries for help, my mommy heart was crushed. I prayed silently that they would hurry up and find the vein to get this over with. They weren’t successful.

 I held him for a couple of minutes in an attempt to reassure him while we discussed trying his other arm, or just doing it at the hospital instead. We elected to attempt his other arm since we were already there, and I just wanted this nightmare to be over quickly rather than make another event of it all. Once again, I held my poor little guy down to the table and prayed that they would accomplish what they needed to do. This time they did manage to get a vein. Part of the way through, the blood stopped flowing and I was concerned the ordeal was not actually over, but they determined they had what they needed. I felt relief. Relief, and an enormous pull to hold my baby close to me.

I think both Ethan and I left that office feeling a little traumatized. I felt bad even putting him down to put him into his car seat. I just wanted to hold him close and reassure him. I wanted to snuggle with him and let him feel like the world was safe again. I wanted him to know that I loved him and that I hate for him to feel pain and sadness. I wanted him to know that my heart was broken with his. I know that he didn’t understand why it all had to happen, and even if I were to try to explain it to him, he wouldn’t have been able to comprehend it all. The more I reflected on the experience, the more I made the parallel between this situation, and those situations when it feels like God is just pinning us down subjecting us to pain we don’t understand.

I can think of times in my life that I was scared and hurting. I cried out to God asking him to deliver me from the situation, but he didn’t. It endured on in spite of my most heartfelt prayers. I felt angry with God, asking why he would leave me there like that when I knew he was able to rescue me. It’s easy to see God as the bad guy. It’s easy to demand answers from God in response to our “why?” But, the reality is that God knows what’s for our good, and he knows that things that are good for us don’t always feel good. He knows that we can’t always grasp the explanations for why, even though we think we can. But, here’s what this situation showed me. God’s heart breaks with ours. He wants nothing more than to comfort and hold us in the midst of the pain. He wants to reassure us that we don’t need to be afraid and that it’s all going to be okay. He wants us to know that he’s there and that he loves us more than we’ll ever understand. He wants to tell us that he never wanted all of this for us, but we live in a world that is filled with sin that corrupts his creation. However, and here’s the best part, he has a plan to make it all right again. He has a plan to do away with sin and evil and bring justice, thus creating a world that is perfect and without flaw. He can see the ending that we can’t. Even though it’s hard for us to understand much of the time, we can trust that he does love us and he longs for us to allow him into our brokenness. Just like everything in me longed to comfort my baby, God longs to do the same for us. We only need to let him.

The Things I Only Hoped For

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”       ~Epicurus

This is one of my favorite quotes of all time. Doesn’t it speak so much to our culture? I’m as guilty of the next person as longing and dreaming for things I don’t yet have, all while taking for granted the things I already do. There was a time in my life I felt downright miserable and sorry for myself. I was working in a job that was rather thankless and exhausting. I was in the predatory environment of the Department of Corrections, where I was constantly required to remain guarded and show no weakness or vulnerability. I worked with a population that didn’t want or appreciate my help. I seemed to have strenuous relationships with co-workers, and a supervisor whom I had little to no respect for. My husband and I had decided long ago that I would stay home with our babies when the time came. So, when we finally decided we were ready to start having children, I was so excited with the possibility of leaving my job and staying home. And I was over the moon and swooning at the idea of being a mommy. Getting pregnant was to be my ticket to joy and freedom—it was, both literally and figuratively, my way out of prison.

And then began the barrage of disappointment. I didn’t get pregnant the first month we tried, or the second, or the third. Month after month passed, leaving me with an overwhelming amount of heartache and negative pregnancy tests. Not only was I experiencing the disappointment of not yet expecting a baby, I was all the while enduring a job that I was downright burnt out on. And then something amazing happened. All at once everything changed, and yet nothing changed. I was simply confronted with the option of changing my perspective.

 

Thanks to a book club I joined, I was introduced to the book One Thousand Reasons by Ann Voskamp. She addresses the subject of gratitude, particularly in times of pain and trial. After reading the book everything was different. My life hadn’t changed at all, but my heart had. This led me to surrounding myself with reminders and challenges to be grateful, at which point I came across the Epicurus quote above. I read it and was so convicted. Not long before I was single, longing for a spouse and partner. I yearned for the companionship of marriage. I had recently completed my graduate degree in Counseling and couldn’t wait to use it. And yet, as I applied for job after job with no promising career opportunities, I became despondent, begging God to tell me why he wasn’t opening doors for me. Eventually, I was offered a counseling position that, at the time, I viewed as perfect. I was working with a population that I was passionate about helping, and found the environment of Corrections to be exciting and stimulating. I was soon married to a wonderful man who loved me and treated me better than I ever expected. He complemented me in ways I never knew to ask for. 

“Remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” Ouch. There was a time in my life when I said “If only I had a husband…” or “if only I could find a job doing what I love…” Now I had those things, but I was so consumed with what I didn’t have, I completely neglected to appreciate all that I did have. When did my husband stop being enough? Was it once I stopped recognizing the gift that he was in my life, and started taking him for granted? When did the job I once loved stop becoming a joy and an opportunity to help, and start becoming a burden that I resented? Was it once I decided there was something else I wanted more? Oh the difference that perspective makes. What a powerful asset we have in our minds and thoughts. We can change everything about how we’re feeling with just a simple adjustment in our view of it all. Epicurus also said “Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little.” May I always learn to be satisfied with the plenty and abundance that God has provided for me now, knowing that there was once a time that I only dreamed and hoped to be at the point in which I’m living.

When God Doesn't Seem to Answer

A while back I wrote a blog post titled “prayer works…no, really.” It was a great testimony of how God provided in a miraculous way, and to this day it’s still something I look back on as a faith builder. But, I re-read that post recently, and I think it’s lacking in theological truth and maturity. For some time now, I’ve been praying that God would increase my faith. I had visions of praying with power and seeing God move mightily in response; I never imagined the path of faith that God was going to take me down. 

My husband and I deal with infertility. We were blessed with a son after waiting several months, but we’re now waiting for baby number two. Each time I’ve been waiting for a baby, God has taught me a great deal about myself, and about Him. I’ve learned that I like to be in control (not shocking for anyone who knows me), and I’ve learned that God has plans that are bigger than just me. When we started this journey of trying to get pregnant again, I prayed and prayed, believing that God would heal me and we would be blessed with another baby. But, in spite of my best efforts to muster up all of the faith I could find, it wasn’t happening. Month after month I became frustrated and discouraged. I blamed my lack of faith, convinced I must not believe enough. What about all the verses in the bible that assure us that God hears our prayers, and that when we pray in faith he answers them?

I think a lot of people have struggled with this. At least, I’m like 97.8% sure I’m not the only Christian who’s been here. Have you ever asked yourself why God allowed x,y, or z to happen? Or, asked why God didn’t answer your heartfelt prayers in a time of need? Through this process, God has been teaching me a LOT. Funny how that works, isn’t it? When there’s something that we want that we don’t have the ability or control to make happen ourselves, we suddenly find ourselves seeking God more. This was the first lesson I learned:

TRIALS DRAW US CLOSER. I’m not going to claim to know God and his motives, but what if God loves us and desires relationship with us enough to withhold the very things that we want more than him? In times of frustration and disappointment, I’ve found the presence of God to be significantly more real and apparent to me. Perhaps that’s simply because I’m taking more time to seek God. If getting pregnant came easily to me, I don’t think I would have learned so much in these last few years. I would have been content to create the life that I wanted for myself, and thought much less about what God wanted for my life. This brings me to the next lesson I’ve been learning:

WHAT IF MY PLANS ARE INTERFERING WITH GOD’S PLANS? This one was one of the biggest eye openers for me. I was recently studying Matthew through Bible Study Fellowship (amazing program, by the way), and was struck by the idea that Peter was trying to interfere with God’s plan for the cross. He rebuked Jesus for talking about dying, and even when it was time for Jesus to be arrested, Peter was ready to fight. He just didn’t understand that his plans, and the things he thought were good and right, were actually trying to get in the way of God’s plans. I’m so thankful that God doesn’t always give us the things we want. He always has something greater in mind. We’re just not always able to see that at the time. There are countless stories in the bible that are clear examples of God’s protection and blessing, but they’re only clear after thousands of years worth of perspective. Perhaps my plan for having more children would get in the way of something else that God has planned. What if he has other ways he wants to be able to use me right now? As hard as it is to appreciate the blessings that I can’t yet see, God is teaching me to have faith that his plans are best for me. And this brings me to the greatest faith lesson of all:

FAITH IS ABOUT TRUSTING EVEN WHEN WE DON’T GET THE ANSWERS WE’RE SEEKING. I started out on this journey believing that faith was somehow about learning the magic formula for forcing God’s hand in the manner that I desired when I desired. I’ve since learned that faith is about knowing who God is, and trusting Him no matter what it seems he’s doing (or not doing). I’m learning to place my hope in who God is, not in what God does. I can have faith and believe, because I know that God is loving and faithful, and I know that his plans for me are good. I can have faith because I know that if God is withholding something I’m seeking, it’s because he has something even better he wants to give. That something better may not always come right away, and it may not look like I’m expecting. Sometimes, the something better is simply Him. When the result of my unanswered prayers is that my relationship with God is deepened and my character is developed, that’s a blessing in disguise. God’s focus is on eternity. The picture he sees is so much bigger than my perspective. He knows that my temporary disappointment is worth the outcome of a positive impact on something eternal. 

Real faith is hinged on continuing to believe even when God doesn’t seem to be answering. A faith that only believes because it’s constantly rewarded with the results it seeks is not faith at all. Like I said, not the journey of faith I was expecting. Do I still feel disappointed and sad sometimes? Absolutely! I still struggle with my desire for instant gratification, but it has helped me so much to change my focus. I dwell now on what God is doing in my life, and I’m working on making myself available to his plans while slowly letting go of my own. What has God taught you about faith?

Prayer Works...No, Really

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately—lots and lots of reading. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been the kind of relaxing reading I enjoy. I’ve been reading reviews of convertible car seats. Riveting material, don’t you think? I’ve been on consumer reports, making tedious notes to compare the ratings, pros, and cons of different models. I’ve been on amazon and manufacturer websites reading review after review after review. I had finally decided on a seat that I thought I wanted, which wouldn’t break the bank. Have you seen the prices on some of those car seats, by the way?!? $300 for a chair that has undergone the same safety tests as most other car seats on the market!! Give me a break. But I digress. I had settled on a Graco that was rated well, had received pretty good consumer reviews, and wasn’t outrageously expensive. I had even found one that was 20% off. There was just one problem. I had saved up exactly $84 dollars so far. I had been holding on to money that was sent as a gift for my son, or money that I had made by selling things we no longer needed. This car seat that I was looking at cost over $100.

I had been specifically praying that God would provide the money we needed for my son’s new car seat. More than that, I had been praying that God would increase my faith, and help me to pray with belief that he would answer. I wanted to pray with conviction that God would respond. The car seat request was just something specific that I wanted to use to exercise my faith and practice trusting God for what we needed. While we had money in savings that we could have used, I really wanted to be able to make this purchase with no money out of our regular provisions. I asked some of my friends to pray with me for this specific need. And then I waited. I acknowledged that I didn’t know how God would provide the money, but I conceded I didn’t need to know the “how.” I knew I just need to believe God was able, and allow him to work out the means. I admitted that perhaps God would provide through the money we already had saved, after all, he had given us all of that as well. So, I left the door open and I continued to pursue my purchase.

Crunch time was upon us as the little munchkin had pretty much met the height limit of his infant car seat. I had delayed making the purchase as long as I could. I started to feel convicted about wanting a car seat with the bells and whistles, when I could purchase a perfectly good car seat that was a fraction of the cost. It didn’t feel like a responsible use of our money, even if it was a good deal. One of my friends suggested looking into used car seats; I hesitated, knowing the safety risk when you don’t know what’s happened to the car seat in the previous owner’s care. In spite of my reservations, I started looking around just to see what was available. I did a search on a local internet group for the buying and selling of baby/maternity gear. I found several listings that had been posted a month or more ago. There was one listing in particular for the same model of Graco car seat I had been looking at buying new. She had listed two for sale, but was asking $100 for one or $175 for both. One, that was way more than this used seat was worth to me, and two, the listing was over a month old and it didn’t seem likely she’d still have them after this long. Well, as it turns out, she still had both of them for sale. She admitted she had been having lots of interest on them, but due to family concerns hadn’t had the time to follow up with them. So, in her house they still sat. She was willing to come down on the price, and offered to sell me one at $80. My husband said he’d be willing to give her $125 for both, and she agreed! I thought that was going to be a great deal to get two car seats (no lugging one back and forth between vehicles) for that price. They didn’t expire for a while yet, and seemed to be in really good condition.

We went to look at them, and as soon as we got there this lady said she had to show us that a piece of the foam padding had broken off of one of the seats when she was putting the cover back on. She said she didn’t feel right selling it in that condition, and didn’t want it on her conscience if anything were to happen to the child riding in it. So, without us even asking, she offered to sell us one of the seats for $80 and let us have the other one for free!! We, of course, agreed to this price and snatched those seats up. I immediately searched online about the broken foam, and found that you can call the manufacturer for replacement foam. Not to mention, I felt so much better about the safety of the seats knowing she felt bad enough about that issue to give it to us for free. I couldn’t imagine there were any accidents she wasn’t telling us about. God had provided us with the model of car seat I had been looking for, and had done so for $4 less than the amount I had saved. I was prepared to pay more money, but right at the last minute God provided what we needed within the means that we had set aside. I was in awe. I couldn’t wait to tell the people that had been praying with me that God had come through even bigger than I expected. But the story continues (I know it’s getting long, but I’m almost done. I promise)…

The next day I call Graco and they inform me they have the foam padding available to sell me for $8 plus shipping and handling. It would cost a total of $12.95. I figure that’s a pretty good price considering all of the money I had already saved. I go ahead and make the purchase. The lady on the phone keeps asking me over and over again to confirm my debit card information and shipping address. She ultimately informs me that the system wasn’t able to process my card as they occasionally have problems with debit cards, and would therefore be able to send it to me as a courtesy, for FREE!! I could hardly believe it. I was in awe of how God was continuing to provide.

I know that some people will read this and be skeptical. Believe me, I’ve had times in my life that I would have said “that’s just a coincidence.” I now know better. After praying specifically for this one thing, and asking God to help me believe again in the power of prayer, I know now that this is God. He hears us when we seek him. Psalm 91:14-15 says, “’Because he loves me,” says the Lord, ‘I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.’” I’ve been reminded again that God is “able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.” (Ephesians 3:20) I am so thankful that God is patient with me when I’m so slow to learn these lessons, and continue to have doubts in spite of all he’s already done. What are you believing God for today? Seek God according to his will, and believe with assurance that he will answer you.

                             

Trash to Treasure

Who doesn’t love a good bargain? Isn’t it the best feeling to discover some cheap, discarded trash and repurpose it into something of value? Just browse Pinterest and you’ll see it’s filled with projects of that nature. God has had a similar interest for much longer than Pinterest has been around. He is really into redemption, and turning what appears to be trash into priceless treasure. I should know.

I’m always baffled by the idea of God’s redemption. Who other than God can take something broken and beyond repair and make it into something new? Not just repaired, repurposed, or refinished, but a new creation. (“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” 2 Cor 5:17) 

I look back at my life and recall some of the messes I’ve made of myself. There are points in my life that I hate to even remember. I feel shame to recall the person that I’ve been. I’ve been selfish, stubborn, and downright cruel at times. I have sacrificed my self-respect in a desperate search for love and acceptance. I have allowed others to use me and humiliate me because I didn’t believe I was worth more. I have been so afraid of being alone, that I completely sacrificed who I was. There have been plenty of low times which I don’t love to recall, and that I wish I could fast-forward through when the memories surface. The craziest thing to me, is that God loved me more than ever during those times. He saw through the mask I portrayed to others, and saw past the ugly things I did, and instead felt compassion for my brokenness. He didn’t just overlook those times in my life and pretend they never happened, he redeemed them. (“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…” Joel 2:25) He takes those worst, most hideous moments and makes something beautiful from them. He allows those things I want to forget to become a part of his beautiful masterpiece. He takes those ugly parts of me and uses them to be a testimony of his glory. It’s all about focus and perspective; I can choose to focus on the less than pleasant details, or I can take a step back and see how God has woven those details into the bigger picture of his plan for me.

There’s often the initial struggle of accepting God’s grace and mercy, and receiving his forgiveness. So many times I don’t feel worthy; well, I’m simply not worthy. But, God loves me enough to offer it anyway. He doesn’t love me in spite of my brokenness, I believe he loves me even more because of it. He sees that I’m desperately lost, and he offers me everything I need. Even after that initial struggle has passed, and I've received his forgiveness and I've thought I've moved on, I still tend to encounter the struggle of shame when it comes time to face my past. God redeems what I have squandered, but I have to allow God to have it. I must be willing to uncover it and stop trying to hide it in order for God to work with it. My prayer is that I will have the courage to let my imperfect past known, so that I might be an example of God’s glory and splendor. It is through my brokenness that God is exalted and honored. “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.” (2 Cor 4:7)